So, remember that time when I was having what felt like an existential crisis about being a mom? I didn't quite call it that in the post, but that's what it felt like. As I was trying to dig through the intense emotions I was having in that moment, one of the feelings that was hiding in there was "I'm going to be miserable as a mother forever". I feel downright crazy typing those words out now. Something about really intense emotional moments makes thoughts like that feel true.
That was Tuesday. Today is Friday. Today, I dig through my emotions and find thoughts like like "I got this", and "I must be doing some things right!". The last two days, I have gone places with both children, by myself, and nobody died or got injured or ended up in tears. We ALL had an enjoyable time, and were better for having had the outing. Oh, the things that feel like huge feats after having two babies in two years.
Things were not perfect today, nor were they perfect yesterday, but I feel stronger. I feel hopeful. I feel like I have seen a light at the end of a tunnel (not the tunnel, just one of the many tunnels this life will send me through). I see Carolyn getting more and more capable every day, and being able to be out and about for longer stretches of time without needing to nurse or nap. I see Peter listening when I ask him to stay close or come here. I see moments that would have ended in disaster just weeks or months ago, going smoothly.
These first couple of years with kids has been so constraining. I had a lot of independence get sucked away very quickly, and that adjustment has been really difficult. I remember driving somewhere when Peter was still just a few months old and seeing a 7-11 and thinking that a slurpee sounded so good. That thought was immediately followed by realizing that in order to get a slurpee I would have to unbuckle him out of his carseat, carry him in there with me, try to fill up a cup while holding a baby, hope that he wouldn't burst into tears, pay and leave while holding a cup and a baby, and load him back into the carseat, all while trying not to leave the slurpee sitting on the roof of the car. I didn't stop for a slurpee. It was this moment of realizing that I wasn't going to be "popping into" places anymore that hit me like a ton of bricks and felt suffocating. (Maybe the real issue here is an inappropriate love of slurpees?)
What's funny is that looking back on that moment now, those things don't sound difficult anymore. What's the big deal to unload him from the carseat? I've done that 2,793,820 times. That is popping in. The days of going places alone are so far gone that I don't miss them anymore. Besides, I'll just throw the baby in the carrier and boom, hands free.
Maybe all of the things that feel like they will be everlasting burdens today, will one day drift into normality and I won't notice the weight of them. The burdens I carry are not getting lighter, but it's a pretty neat thing to realize that my strength is what's improving.Labels: Motherhood, Personal Growth