Last night I had trouble falling asleep. I took a longer than usual writing yesterday's post, and by the time I posted it, it was time for bed.
...but my adrenaline was pumping.
I can't believe I'm admitting this, but there have been a few posts now that I felt like I really put some juice into. I talked about things that are difficult to talk about, I worked hard to craft a compelling and thought provoking piece of journalism, and with the click to publish it comes these ideas of grandeur. Alright, here we go, people are going to want to share this, and talk about it! I might get some backlash but that's okay, I'm excited to be starting a conversation. Here we go, brace yourself for the onslaught of traffic. That's a little of what the (only slightly exaggerated) internal conversation sounds like. Who do I think I am, anyway?
I found myself peeking at my phone several times as I was trying to fall asleep last night, hoping to see notifications. Bah! Just someone else commenting on a picture I commented on yesterday! *turn off notifications for this picture*
It's here that I am going to throw in a disclaimer: I wasn't going to write this post at first because I didn't want it to sound like a pity party, or like I am fishing for likes, or comments, or whatnot. What I did want to accomplish in writing this is practice being a little more 'peeled back' as a blogger, talking a little bit more about the thoughts and feelings that I would ordinarily keep to myself because they are insecurities, or flaws, and it's a pretty difficult thing to expose the weak parts of yourself.
A friend of mine recently mentioned how she has thought about starting a blog, but worries about negative feedback and how much it would impact her. I told her that negative feedback isn't of great concern to me, but silence- silence is painful, and the more effort I put into writing something, the harder it is when it falls flat.
It's one thing to be vulnerable in exposing your weaknesses, but it's another thing entirely to be vulnerable by caring about something, and by exerting real effort, and putting all that care and effort out there for someone else to accept or reject. Dating is a perfect parallel; how making a relationship works means having to love and care about someone else, and with every increasing level of that care and effort, comes the hand-in-hand possibility of either increasing joy or increasing pain.
And if you're already thinking it, yes, it's fairly absurd to equate a blog post to a romantic relationship. The joys and pains associated with a blog post are quite different than those from a romantic relationship, but I give the analogy to make the discomfort that comes from vulnerability more relatable. Writing a blog post is typically pretty low vulnerability, but the vulnerability is still there, and it's real.
When I wrote yesterday's post, it hadn't even occurred to me that I was doing something vulnerable. It wasn't until I noticed my slightly lousy mood this morning, and the continued preoccupation with Facebook notifications throughout the morning, and I sat down to write about those feelings, that I realized the vulnerability, and recognized my anxiousness for commentary as a fear of rejection.
That realization alone has made the sting feel less like rejection and more like evidence of trying hard, and caring, and putting forth a willingness to risk pain in the pursuit of joy. I feel less like I failed because I didn't get the results I hoped for, and I feel more like I succeeded by accepting the pain that is inherent to vulnerability, and not letting that deter my commitment to persist in spite of it. So I guess a thank you is in order, thank you- for your silence (you lousy readers you!). :)
(And you know, I'm also taking note of the inherent feedback that yesterday's post was not my best work, or the wrong fit, or something, and I'm going to try and improve. Maybe I should stop talking politics on what is clearly shaping into a mommy blog?) *smirk
Labels: Blogging, Personal Growth, Politics