I don't think I've gotten a stretch of sleep longer than three hours, maybe even only two hours, in over a month now. Maybe I have, but I can't remember otherwise and right now I'm having a pity party and it wouldn't fit well into my narrative. Suffice it to say I am tired, and irritable, and have been cranky off and on all month (much more "on" than I care to admit).
Nighttime has been especially terrible, it has reminded me of when Peter was a newborn and a downright awful sleeper. As nightfall would come I would get a sinking feeling. My body would be aching for relief and yet I knew it wouldn't come. It would just be a darker, lonelier, daytime.
The worst part of all of it is how badly I want to know the right answer. Or at least have something feel like the best guess. Is the poor sleep still from her ear infection? Is the antibiotic not resolving it? Is the antibiotic bothering her? Is she teething? Is it the nine month sleep regression? Have I coddled her too much as she has been sick and now I've conditioned her to sleep poorly? Do I need to change some sleep habit? Should I try cry it out?
I feel like motherhood is this big guessing game, and you always hear the expression that a mother "just knows". Well, baloney. This mother has no clue.
I used to feel like my instincts were pretty good, but all the health issues and non issues lately have me feeling like my radar is worthless. Every time I thought it was something, it wasn't. And when I thought it was nothing, it was something.
So now I am waking up 10 times a night with my baby, and I don't know if I am tending to real pains or if I am enabling poor sleep habits. I've lost trust in my own instincts and feel so gun shy to make a call.
So I keep hoping that it's only one more night of a broken five hours of sleep. And that maybe I won't lose my mind before she is sleeping better. And that maybe tomorrow, an answer will rise to the top of the murky pile of possibilities.
Labels: Motherhood