Sometimes it seems like there is a prevailing attitude today that to be a stay at home mom is a waste of education and intellect; that it is menial work which dulls the mind.
Now don't get me wrong, since staying home full time I more often forget what I am saying mid sentence, and I have significantly less stimulating discussion amongst my peers; but to suggest that complex learning comes to a standstill and that the mind stops stretching in full time parenting is an error.
I worked in sales before "retiring" to care for the kiddos. I didn't just sell, I trained sales reps. And yet nothing has tested my sales chops like raising a toddler.
I exert great effort in... let's just be candid here, figuring out how I can get my kid to do what I want, when I want.
My love of psychology has made me careful to pay attention to the behaviors I am reinforcing, while Marty is a big believer in firm discipline. Those two schools of thought have made for a relatively heavy "my way or the highway" approach when it came to undesirable behavior.
Sometimes the heavy handed thing would work (not a literal heavy hand, we're trying to steer clear of any kind of hitting), but I noticed that I was fighting the same battles over and over again. So several months ago, in desperation, I read The Happiest Toddler on the Block and gleaned a few tips that seemed to make a big difference. One of the successes I noticed was when Peter wanted something that I didn't want him to have (let's say my steak knife, for example), rather than just tell him "no", I would first confirm what he wanted, and THEN tell him no. I was amazed at how much less tantruming there was. Something about me first acknowledging that I understood what it was he wanted, made it easier for him to handle being told that he could not have it.
This rocked my world a bit, and I started to realize that rather than just trying to wrestle him into doing my will, I would get a lot further, a lot less painfully, if I tried harder to understand him and accommodate his perspective.
Since that a-ha moment, I have been more receptive to more empathetic parenting techniques. I listened to a talk in general conference this past October- you may remember the one about a three year old granddaughter who gets out of her car seat again and again. I probably would have lost my cool pretty quickly in this scenario, but this sweet lady had the peace of mind to offer a "silent prayer and heard the Spirit whisper, 'Teach her.'."
Then I read an article about President Hunter where his son recounts that even when he "may have deserved a harsh response, [his father] handled each situation by teaching rather than punishing."
And I saw mothers who I respect and admire share snippets like these on Facebook:
All of these things have me thinking that my children can be happy and well behaved, and it can be done by teaching more than punishing or yelling.
I mentioned mental stimulation at the beginning of this post. I say that because now (for me), every challenge requires more than just telling the child no and punishing them into submission. Rather it requires trying to see as a child sees, speak in a way a child understands, and anticipate the way a child will act; all while in an emotional pressure cooker trying to keep your cool.
That my friends, is no mind numbing task. Someone said to me recently that "every time you do something with your kids, you have to think three years down the road". That is so true. What worked wonderfully yesterday is surely going to backfire on you tomorrow.
Today was one of those backfire days, so this post is a reminder to myself of why I hope it'll be worth all of this work one day.
Labels: Motherhood
