I've typed and deleted this blog post several times now. Every time, trying to write it so that no one will think I am weak, or take pity on me, or think to themselves that I can't handle my life.
Yesterday was my first "one liner" post. I only wrote two sentences is because in the minutes before that post, I was crouched in my closet sobbing.
I like to think of myself as a pretty emotionally stable person. Maybe I'm wrong, but that's how I think of myself. It's rare for me to feel like I've been completely overwhelmed by a wave of emotions. Yesterday would not have looked like a particularly hard day if you were watching it, but somehow it became an exceptionally emotionally trying day for me.
Two days ago I blogged about how Carolyn almost choked to death. That experience left my emotions raw and my senses on high alert. It reminded me of my helplessness to fully protect my children. It reminded me of how much I need to rely on my Father in Heaven.
Yesterday Carolyn was upset all day. She looked ragged, and had been sleeping terribly since the choking incident. She wasn't doing any of the things that the doctors said to watch out for, but she was acting significantly out of character, and I was worried. I didn't want to ignore what might be a sign that the plastic she had swallowed was causing another problem.
Peter was out of character too, maybe because his sleep had gotten thrown off as well.
All day long I was praying for little bits of inspiration, trying to know how to help my children get back to their normal, happy, healthy selves, and trying to make sure that I was tuned in enough to get Carolyn extra care if something more serious was still going on. And all day long, even though I was trying so hard to be led by the spirit, things kept backfiring on me.
By the end of the night, it was three hours past their normal bedtimes, and they were still awake. Both of them were upset, and had been upset for that whole window of time.
I've talked about my realization that when I start to get angry, it's usually me compensating for a feeling of helplessness, and I felt that last night as both kids were crying and upset while I was trying to get them to bed. I caught myself about to scold Peter to stop crying and go to sleep, and managed to nip that angry outburst in the bud, but realized later that I went numb instead. I became cold as the alternative to becoming fiery.
Marty came home from having to work late and I was spent, I had turned off my feelings. He took over while I took a sanity break.
Things started to settle down once Marty was home to help, we finally got Peter down to sleep, and I went in to nurse Carolyn to sleep.
While I was sitting there in the quiet with her, I started trying to probe what I was feeling that had caused me turn to numbness instead of confronting. As I did that, I was overcome by how inadequate I felt to meet my children's needs. I couldn't even be in tune with the spirit enough to help them. They were both in pain and distress and I didn't have the capacity to know what was wrong and how to relieve it.
In that moment I felt like I didn't have enough strength, or faith, or knowledge, or ability; and the pain of that felt crushing.
I set Carolyn down to sleep, walked into my closet, and collapsed on the floor in tears.
Marty heard me crying and came in wanting to know what was wrong.
I know that he didn't understand how I could be so upset. I know that he thought I shouldn't be feeling or thinking whatever was causing me to cry like that. But I asked him not to say any of that and just hold me, so that's what he did.
It made me think that husbands and wives need each other so that there is always someone to be strong when the other is weak.
I woke up this morning feeling much better. Carolyn and Peter were both back to their happy and healthy selves today, and today we had a great day. I'm still not exactly sure why I felt so overcome by the end of yesterday, I think it was a perfect storm of pain and fear and frustration and all of that was magnified by an overwhelming love for my children.
Being a mother is hard on my heart, but maybe that's why it's grown so much.Labels: Motherhood