5 things I have learned about anger

As I've mentioned before, motherhood pushes me to my limits. It's embarrassing to admit to getting angry, especially at my own little children. But somehow on those days of constant crying and whining and pulling and tugging and me being exhausted; I've yelled, and I've been mean. And when that angry moment is over, I regret it every time.

Before I had kids, I would have never considered myself as having a temper, but in the not-quite-two-years that I've been doing this Mom thing, I am learning a lot about anger.

I was reflecting today on how much less I have gotten angry lately, and while I am far from a perfectly peaceful mother, I have made a lot of progress, so I thought I would share some of the things that I am learning with you:

  1. Anger is a secondary emotion.A secondary emotion means that there is actually another primary emotion driving the secondary one. In those moments when I was at a total boiling point, but somehow had the peace of mind to stop the anger in it's tracks, I have cried instead. I realized that when I stopped the anger, I felt helpless or afraid.
  2. Anger makes you feel powerful.
    My response to feeling helpless, was to get angry, because I was using anger as a way of feeling like I was in control again. It was my way to exchange that feeling of helplessness for a feeling of power for just a moment. If the toddler won't stop whining at you for a snack while you are trying to get the baby to stop crying, angrily yelling at him to stop usually stops the whining.
  3. Anger works like an addiction.
    This is an idea that is not my own, but I have borrowed it from a friend much wiser than myself. An addiction is something used to bring a (false) feeling of relief or satisfaction to a real need. In my case, this was a lack of feeling capable of meeting the expectations I had for myself as a mother. In the example mentioned in #3, my baby and toddler both need me, and I can't meet both of their needs simultaneously, so I yell to get him to stop voicing his need. Once he stops whining, I'm not feeling my own inadequacy as intensely. Just like someone who gets high on a drug to stop feeling the pain of their own struggles. It is easier to dull the pain than it is to repair the underlying problems that are causing the pain.
     
  4. You can stop being angry right now. 
    In my efforts to understand my own anger and how to overcome it, I ran into this talk by Elder Lynn G. Robbins called Agency and Anger. He says: "We can choose not to become angry. And we can make that choice today, right now: 'I will never become angry again.' Ponder this resolution." While I do not believe that deciding not to become angry is a true solution, knowing that I could stop immediately helped me. I mentioned before that sometimes I could stop my anger in it's tracks, and it's very much possible. And whenever I do that, it more clearly highlights what the real problems are.

  5. Prayer works better than anger. 
    Once I realized that my anger was a result of feelings of helplessness, I knew I needed a way to not feel so helpless, without getting angry. In those moments of anger, I am there because in that moment, I have maxed out my own personal capabilities. And it's in those moments, that the truly most powerful thing I can do is pray. I can let go of wanting to handle everything by myself, and instead turn it over to my Father in heaven. I can feel powerful by yelling, or I can feel powerful by pleading. 
Learning these things, and making other lasting changes, has brought a lot more peace into my life and into our home. It's not like it's kumbaya around here every day, but it's worlds better than it was for a while there. Isn't it such a lucky thing that we have kids to help show unto us our weaknesses?

Labels: ,